Success in another branch of the same endeavour is shown in the latest report of the Society for the Prolongation of Dachshunds. According to this the worm-ideal seems at last to be in sight, careful inter-breeding having now produced a variety called the Processional, selected specimens of which take from one to two minutes in passing any given spot. The almost entire disappearance of legs is another attractive feature.
Meanwhile Major-Gen. Threebottle writes from Oporto Lodge, Ealing, strongly protesting against any further complication of the fauna of these islands, and pointing out that the simple snakes and cats of our youth were already sufficiently formidable to a nervous invalid like himself without the addition of such objectionable novelties.
"Without warning, while the car was travelling at about fifteen miles per hour, the tyre of the front wheel burst."--_Scotsman_.
Our tyres are much better trained, and each of the four gives a distinctive cough before bursting.
"WAREHOUSEMAN (jun.), clothing dept., large corporation."--_Advt. in_ "_Glasgow Herald_."
He should show off the new line in check waistcoats to the best advantage.
He had a coarse confident face, a red nose, a Cockney accent and a raucous voice. He was dressed as a sluttish woman.
Directly I saw him I was conscious of a feeling of repulsion, which I fear my expression must have indicated, for he looked surprised.
"Because you are looking at me," he said. "I am accustomed to laughter the instant I appear."
"I look funny," he said; "I say funny things; I draw a good salary for it. If I wasn't funny I shouldn't draw a good salary, should I?"
"You do draw it," I said guardedly. "Be funny now."
"'Wait till I catch you bending,'" he said with a violent grimace. "'What ho! 'Ave a drop of gin, ole dear?'"
He looked bewildered. "I _was_ being funny," he said. "I bring the house down with that, as a rule."
"Oh!" I replied. "So you're the funny man of a pantomime, are you?"
"Good," I replied. "I have long wanted a talk with you. There are things I want to ask you. Why, for instance, do you always pretend to be a grimy slum woman?"
"The children who go to pantomimes," I said.
"Oh, those! Well, they laugh," he replied evasively.