“Now, Jantje, if your mother gives you five slices of bread and butter, and you eat two, how many will you have left?”
“Well, then, if you have five marbles in your pocket, and take out two, how many will there be left in it?”
“None at all, sir,—there’s a hole in my pocket.”
_A._—“Our business is so extensive that we have to keep a man on purpose to thrash the apprentices, and he’s at it all day.”
_B._—“That’s nothing to ours! Our establishment is so immense that we have to keep St Bernard dogs in the corridors to look for the customers who lose themselves there!”
A man who had repeatedly called on a nobleman to obtain payment of a debt, was refused access by the well-drilled footman, in the words, “The Baron does not receive to-day.”
“That is all the same to me,” replied the creditor; “I don’t care,—as long as he will _give_.”
_Snugger_ (_who has been waiting over an hour for his beefsteak_)—“Look here, waiter, are you the same that put this plate on the table?”
_Snugger_—“Heavens! you’ve grown out of all knowledge since then!”
A small boy goes howling along the street. Our friend Snobs accosts him with, “What is the matter, my little man?”
_Kind-hearted Farmer’s Wife_—“Pietje, my boy, what’s the matter?”
_Pietje_ (_howling_)—“Can’t eat any more apples.”
“Well, put them in your pockets, can’t you?”
“Oh! oh! oh! My pockets are full! Oh! oh! oh! oh!”
_Judge_—“But why in the world did you go so far to steal wine, when you might easily have got it in your master’s cellar?”
_Prisoner_—“I knew my master’s wine too well to steal even one bottle of it.”
_Judge_ (to convicted thief)—“You seem to understand your business.”
_Prisoner_—“Yes, my lord, and if you could steal as well as I, you wouldn’t care to sit on the bench any longer.”
_Boy_—“Rev. Father, I have stolen twenty-five yards of stuff from farmer Klaas.”
_Boy_—“Yes; mother said it was bad, when she saw it, but still she thought it would do to make sacks of.”
Never estimate a man’s value according to the silk umbrella he carries; he has probably left a cotton one somewhere in place of it.
We are all ready to set up as moral physicians, and each of us can give his advice; but a University diploma is necessary before you can cure a child of the stomach-ache.