(_Edited by the War Correspondents with Lord Roberts' Force._)
No. 13.] BLOEMFONTEIN, SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 1900. [Price one penny.
[Footnote 14: Copyrighted; used here by permission.]
An Intelligence Officer, meeting a strayed Kaffir without visible Means of Subsistence, reprobated him for a Spy and Forthwith cast him into Jail, where he languished for two Days.
At the Expiration of his Incarceration the Kaffir fell into the hands of a Discerning Colonial who filled him with Cape Smoke and engaged him in idle Persiflage for three Hours.
"My Word!" said the Colonial when the grateful Son of Ham had departed, "that Ethiop is full to the back Teeth of most valuable Information! Let us give him a new Coat and a Pound of Tobacco."
"On the Contrary," said the I.O., "He is a Wastrel and a Stinker. He cannot reply to Direct Questions and habitually contradicts himself."
"That," said the Discerning Colonial, "is just It! I am about to act upon his Inaccuracies."
This the Colonial did with great Success, and wiped up Seven of the Enemy advancing up a Spruit in the Cool of the Evening.
On reporting his Achievement, the Intelligence Officer reported the Colonial for supplying the Kaffir with Illicit Liquor.
BY RUDYARD KIPLING, PERCEVAL LANDON, AND A. H. GWYNNE.
You cannot argue with a Shell, a Mule or a Press Censor.
The nearer to the Press Censor the further from Truth.
(N.B.--This is generally guaranteed by the Press Censor.)
It's a wise Field Marshal that knows his own Generals.
"A shell in time saves nine," as the 4'7 said when it opened on the sniper.
"Heaven helps those who help themselves," as ----'s Horse said when they found the poultry yard.
Providence and the Company Officer have a great deal to look after.
It's always the next shell that will do the trick.
When you've tightened up your waistbelt just a pair of holes or so, When you've tackled your last bit of armoured "duff," Then you put your bally pipe on, and you puff and spit and blow, And you realize half ration ain't enough. You go into the market and you purchase lots of grub Off the farmers whom friend Steyn has done a scoot from, And when you ask the price of it, that's where you cop the rub, For it takes away your breath just like a pom-pom.