“I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to paradise, and many a man goes to heaven from the gallows. But if you will set those that are damned for condemning others, against those that are saved from the gallows, hell will be found no loser by me at the foot of the account. How many marshal’s-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for letting a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false money (always provided they leave better money instead on’t). How many false witnesses and knights of the post, that would set their consciences like clocks to go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear _ex tempore_, at all rates and prices! How many solicitors, attorneys, and clerks, that would draw ye up a declaration or an indictment, so slyly, that I myself could hardly discover any error in’t; and yet, when it came to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man’s face (that is to say again, provided they were well paid for the fashion). How many jailers that would wink at an escape for a lusty bribe! And how many attorneys that would give ye dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were greased! Now, after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a thousand comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often falls out, that they that bring the malefactor to the gibbet are the worse criminals of the two. But they are never looked after; or, if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would needs take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and then a candle’s end; but when the cats came, down went a milk-bowl, away goes a brace of partridges or a couple of pigeons, and the poor man must content himself to go supperless to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were troublesome, but the cats were intolerable. And then there’s this in’t: Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I do but give him in truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve to be hanged but ’scape and go to hell at last. Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a roasted dog in a pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three thousand witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their charms. But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are not understood. My successor, it may be, will discharge his duty better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my commission; for (to say the truth) I am in years, and would gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I rather propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I am.”