Never speak of your father as “the governor,” “the old man,” “the money-bag,” and the like. Perhaps, he is a very good sort of person.
Never say _castor_ for hat, nor _gun-boats_ for _overshoes_, nor _duds_ for _clothes_ in general. A multiplication of these synonyms may be creditable to the invention, but is apt to be confusing.
Never fear to say you are _sick_, if you are so. Englishmen are _h’ill_, and Frenchmen are at liberty to be _indisposé_. We never say “an ill room,” or “an indisposed bed,” but “a sick room” or “a sick bed,” as the case may be.
Never ask if the railroad has come in, but if the train has come in. The track can no more come and go than can the station itself.
Never pile on the adjectives. A painting may be meritorious without being “stunning;” a handsome wall-paper is not necessarily “excruciating;” and you should hardly call a choice dish of ham and eggs “divine.” Let not your enthusiasm overleap itself.
Never say _naw_, _nixy_, _not by a blamed sight_, nor _nary a time_, for pure and simple _no_. Let the negative be swift, clear and decisive, even in declining a drink.
Never say _yis_, _yaw_ nor _ya-as_, for _yes_, unless you swear by the shamrock, the Bologna sausage, or the roast beef of old England.
Never say that you believe you’ll take root or come to anchor, when you intend sitting down, nor say “squatty-vous” to a friend in requesting him to take a seat.
Never, if you must use slang, fail to make a judicious choice of it. Who was it said, “Let me but make the slang of a people, and he who will make their laws?” But no matter; since there is plenty of it ready-made. Never attempt to add thereto, but be content to separate the wheat from the chaff, the fine gold from the dross.
Never speak of a bar-room as “a h’istery,” “a whisky ranch,” “a rum-hole,” or “a jig-water dispensary.” Plain old Anglo-Saxon “gin-mill” must hold its own against the innovations of storming time.
Never, in speaking confidentially to a young lady of her father’s tippling habits, refer to him as “an old soaker,” “a rum-head,” “a guzzler,” “a perambulating beer-keg,” or “a happy-go-lucky old swill-tub.” Far better to slur matters gently by recommending an inebriate asylum, or suggesting that the old gentleman be locked up with a whisky-barrel, with a fair chance of his drinking himself to death.