Never, if you have been on a spree, allude to it as a “boose,” a “toot,” a “twist,” a “rolling big drunk,” a “bust,” or a “bump,” when strong, sensible “budge,” “bender” and “jamboree” are peeping wistfully from the catalogue.
Never proclaim that you are “chocked to the throat,” meaning simply that you have dined plentifully.
Never be afraid to call a spade a “spade,” even if you have bet on hearts or diamonds.
Never, if intoxicated, say that you are “weaving the winding way,” “slopping over,” “six sheets in the wind,” or “screwed.” The latter is wholly British, and not yet adopted with us.
Never repeat worn-out saws and proverbs, such as “It’s a long turn that makes no lane,” “It’s an ill wind that blows your hat off,” and the like. Better use your own invention than harp forever on a moldered string.
Never, moreover, repeat much-used quotations, no matter how celebrated they may once have been. “We have met the enemy and we are theirs,” and “Whoever undertakes to shoot down the American flag, haul him on the spot,” may be patriotic, but they weary, they weary!
Never call a pretender a “cad,” when either “fraud” or “dead-beat” can safely give odds to the importation.
Never allude to your time-piece as a “cracker,” a “turnip” or a “ticker,” nor to your hands as “mawlies,” “fins” or “flippers,” nor to your fingers as “digits.” The use of any one of these slang terms indicates a want of higher culture.
Never, in referring to an enemy, say that you will “put a head on him bigger than a bushel-basket,” merely meaning that you will punch him.
Never say _oncommon_ for _uncommon_, nor comment upon a delicacy by saying that it is “licking good.”
Never say, in commenting upon a lady’s appearance, that she looked like a “fright,” like a “frump,” or like “a bundle of bones tied up with rags.” You have “dowdy” and “scarecrow” to fall back on.
Never wish aloud that a man may be hanged, drawn and quartered, simply because he owes you a dollar and a quarter. Fiendish resentment is not one of the shining characteristics of a true gentleman.
Never, when in doubt as to any particular form of expression, fail to consult this Hand Book. It is the one faithful lamp by which your steps may be guided.