Never crackle your knuckles with sharp reports, grit your teeth, heave deep, wheezing sighs, nor keep running your fingers through your hair till it stands up like a brush-heap. If you imagine one or all of these feats to be uniquely interesting, hire out to a dime museum.
Never take any more drinks in the early part of the day than are absolutely necessary to brace you up. Three cocktails as eye-openers, followed by two in the way of appetizers, ought to straighten you up before breakfast, and, if not already a slave to tippling, a dozen beers or so ought to satisfy you between then and noon. If tempted to overdo the matter, recall the wax group of the Drunkard’s Family in Barnum’s old museum, set the teeth hard, and shut down, shut down!
Never forget to say your prayers before going to sleep, if it is in accordance with your religious Convictions.
Never fail to have convictions of some sort. A man without any is like a cat shelling walnuts. Would you be a non-entity, a dolt, a jackass, or a gentleman of distinction, a man of parts, a power in the land?
Never, if escorting one lady or several, scuffle and bandy oaths with ticket-speculators at a theater-entrance. Cultivate an easy _hauteur_ of manner.
Never, under like environments, offer to bounce the attendant policeman, boots, blue-coat and buttons, if he will only drop his club. Your ladies may object, if the policeman does not.
Never, upon entering, seize an usher by the throat, rub your coupons into his eyes, and loudly demand your seats or his life. A public entertainment is not a rat-baiting.
Never retain your hat and take off your coat and waistcoat at theater or opera. To shed the tile and retain the garments is in better form.
Never whistle, guffaw or make boisterous comments during the rendition of pathetic scenes. Consistency’s a jewel.
Never testify your approbation by prolonged roars, cries of “Hear, hear!” tossing your hat in the air, and making quartz-crushers of your feet. Moderate your transports.
Never express your disapproval by furious catcalls, by pelting the performers with stale eggs, or by vociferated injunctions to “choke ’em off,” to “burn the crib,” or to “run down the rag.” A pronounced sibilation, accompanied by judicious barkings, will answer quite as well.