The poem
Variants
Diddling Nellie
Nell was a schoolteacher way out west
But she gave up teaching. She like diddlin' best
Now it was a standing bet in our home town
There were no two men black or brown
That could frog old Nell and hold her down
'Til one day there strode into the bar
Wild and wooly Piss Pot Pete
Fresh off the range from diddlin' sheep
Pisspot laid his John upon the bar
The old folks say that it reached from thar to thar.
Pete yelled for a bottle then turned as he spoke
Spent a year on the range with a rusty load in my poke
I've palmed a few batches on the hill where I sat
Changed hands and gained a stroke -- caught it in my hat
On a cold winter's nights, I go to bed with the sheep
Then leave my John soak til the shit is knee deap.
Now I want a gal, no two bit whore
She must be a good one who knows all the score
There's only one woman any good I hear tell
She's a hustling chippy a bitch called Nell
Now just the sound of that name brought a hush over those walls
The only noise in the room was Pete scratching his balls
So you want old Nell, said a voice from the door. Well that's what I'm called. I'm that old whore
I hear you are here bragging. I know your sort
There won't be any price. We'll do it for sport
But I'll take a bet -- anything you can name --
Mine against your and only one winner in the game
It's a deal said Pete and the croud gave a hollar
Then the betting begain. No odds. Dollar for Dollar.
They all shook hands and the bets were made
For Pete and Nell to screw and spar
Up on the hill behind the bar
When the day arrived thousands fought for a seat
Just to see that half-bread hide his meat
A shout arrose when the half-breed came
Dressed and ready for that deadly game
Nell came out and the croud gave a cheer
For on Nells face there was a snear
For this little old shriveled man
That dared to brag he could frog her can
They turned and sparred twisted and sweezed
First one then the other upon their knees
Fought and fought for hours and hours
Tore down trees, grass and flowers
The sneer was gone from old Nell's pan
All her thoughts were on her can
Neither smiled; neither spoke
Suddenly Nell missed a stroke
And Pisspot nailed her as she broke
The ground was torn for miles around
where poor Nell's ass had drug the ground
Nell died that day all broken and tore
They hung her pants on the craphouse door.
Poor, poor Nell
The Legend of Pisspot Pete
Now gather 'round children and I'll tell a story of old, When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west, To settle the bet of who was best.
Now Old Lil fucked everything that crawled or creeped, And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn't a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.
Now news of this boast traveled far and wide; Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Piss-pot Pete, With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.
Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod; He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar; I'll swear it stretched from thar to thar.
Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die; But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue, Came to witness this terrible screw.
People came from miles afar, To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street, The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.
Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard, And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lil warmed up on an old cross-tie; Oh my God how the splinters did fly!
Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight, And Old Lil knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat, And let old Pete sink his meat.
With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin, Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lil screamed and clawed at the grass, And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!
Lil let out a scream, "I can't take any more!" But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun; Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.
When the battle was over and the dust had cleared, Over forty acres, Lil's ass was smeared.