_Mrs. Peck_ (hearing a racket in the hall)--What are you up to now, Henry?
_Mr. Peck_ (feebly)--I’m not up to anything, my dear. I just fell down stairs.
I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, and the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to New York again. I got on another train and went out about thirty miles, and the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk back to New York again. I got on another train, and, of course, was mad and began to swear; a minister, sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, stop your swearing. Do you know you are on the road to hell?” I said: “Here I am on the wrong train again,” and I had to get off.
“You would be a good dancer but for two things.”
_Gas Man_--Hello! Tom, what are you doing these days?
_Pork Packer_--I’m in the meat business. What are you doing?
_Gas Man_--I go you one degree better. I’m in the meter business.
While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water six feet deep.
I see your sister is getting quite stout now.
I’m surprised at you squandering so much money on a phonograph.
“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!”
“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper Trust?”
No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils up there.
If a man should cut off his knee, where would he go to get another one?
“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s where I got acquainted with him.”
I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture.
Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose painted!
_Benedict_--“I’ve been carrying the baby around the door for a week back.”
_Bachelor_--“Carrying the baby for a week back? Pshaw! That’s no remedy at all. What you want for a weak back is a porous plaster.”
“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?”
The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will make it hot for us.
Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor has ever done.
I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he had his bridle on and couldn’t eat a bit.
“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do I; only somebody else generally has the fun.”