You dwell very much upon the point, that it might be painful to us to make retractions under the fear of the imputation of trifling, when we have formed a rash and inconsiderate determination. For my own part, as I know well enough that by good right I ought to fear lest that foolish ambition should so far hoodwink me as to deflect the straightforwardness of my judgment, so, on the other hand, I hope that our Lord will not leave me so far to myself as to fall into such a degree of pride, that for the sake of preserving mine own honour scatheless I would wilfully oppose myself to his truth. I have discussed this question with some eminent persons whom you know. I cannot, even now, see the case in any other light than that which I have declared. I know not whether the witness who was present has brought you any random report of what took place, as he has a shrewd turn at upsetting and embroiling whatsoever he puts his hand to.
Concerning that objection of condemning others, I feel constrained to make one observation, which possibly shall not be pleasing to you. I would that you should take a part of these observations to yourself. For in calling _the darkness light_ throughout the whole of your letter, you do condemn those who walk far more straightforwardly in regard to that matter than any of yourselves.[100] I shall not enter upon a disputation, for neither is that your intention; but I would like to know what equity there is in a person who passes judgment in his closet, condemning all those who maintain their doctrine daily openly before all the world, and who thinks, notwithstanding, that it is presumption in those others to dare to condemn the manifest enemies of God and of his majesty. What you have said in reference to that question I take as proceeding from a good intention, but must attribute it to a very different spirit from that of God. Touching my retirement, I confess to you that I have found somewhat strange the first word which you have spoken to me regarding it, as to seeking the means of returning to a place where I would be as it were in a sort of hell.[101] The earth is the Lord's, you will say, but I beg you will allow me to follow the rule of my conscience, which I know to be surer than yours. As to my resuming the charge, I could indeed have wished to be believed and taken at my word; and had I only had to do with those whom you might consider too inconsiderately and obstinately determined on setting men to work, I should have been in no hurry to do so; but when the most moderate of them all threaten that the Lord would find me out as he did Jonah; and when they come to such words as these, "Suppose to yourself the Church to be lost through your fault alone. What better course of repentance lies open to you than to dedicate yourself wholly to the Lord? You who are endowed with such gifts, with what conscience can you decline the ministry which is offered to you? &c...."[102] What else to do I knew not, except to state the reasons which deterred me, in order that I might follow my own inclination with their consent. When that was to no purpose, I concluded that I had no alternative, in such a state of perplexity, but to follow that which I thought was pointed out to me by the servants of God. I give you my hearty assurance that care about the body would not have brought me to that conclusion, for I had seriously pondered the question of setting about the gaining of a livelihood for myself in some private station, which I think is not altogether impossible; but I have decided that the will of God has otherwise disposed. If I have erred, reprove me, I beseech you, only let it not be by a simple explicit condemnation, to which I can attribute no authority, against so many reasons and the testimony of individuals who are nowise contemptible, nor ought they to be so accounted in your esteem.