“Tha shapes pratty weel,” said the private, a collier from the Durham pits, “for a novice.”
Policeman (arresting burglar)—“Ain’t people worried enough by this war without burglaring their houses?”
Burglar—“All the papers are saying ‘business as usual.’”
Bill Bates, a coal miner, had joined Kitchener’s Army, and was undergoing musketry instruction.
The officer had been at some pains to impress upon the recruits that in loading a rifle they should place one cartridge in the barrel and ten in the magazine.
Singling out Bill, the officer said to him:
“Now, what do you do with your cartridges when loading?”
“Put one in t’ tunnel an’ ten in t’ can!” was the reply.
The general was distributing medals for special valor. Summoning Private Bumptious to step forward, much to the general surprise of the ranks, he thundered out:
“Men, look upon this hero, and imitate his bravery! All through the long night he stood firm at his sentinel’s post, although completely surrounded by the enemy, and there he remained, calmly.”
Private Bumptious turned deadly pale. But before he fell in a faint to the ground, he gasped out:
“Then they were enemies! I thought they were our own troops.”
“Wasn’t it fearful about the Reims cathedral?”
“Don’t say Reems; it sounds horribly ignorant.”
“Hn—Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. See? Hranss!”
“Well, you sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, threatened with grip!”
“Well, that’s right, anyhow. H—hn—hnh—hrahnhss!”
“You’d better go to Arizona! You’ll never get well here! I don’t believe you, anyway. Everybody says Reems.”
“Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you associate with—”
“Well, I don’t go with a lot of fake highbrows, anxious to show off the French they learned in a course of lessons by mail—”
“Better than a lot of country junks who don’t know how to pronounce—”
“Oh, well, the church wasn’t hurt much, anyhow.”
“No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like my hat?”
British Teacher (to small boy)—“So you’ve come to school without a pen, eh? What would you say if one of our soldiers went to France without his gun?”
Tommy—“Please, sir, I should say he was an officer.”
The awkward squad had been having a lecture in musketry. Just before they were dismissed the instructor asked one of them: