Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful. My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful. Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw; To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a mudder-in-law. Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell, But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell; I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay, Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.
Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der shelf,-- Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, yourself,-- Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den, Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines den Vere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop--righdt oop against der vall; Bud der lions don'd vas shkared--dey didn't do none notting at all." Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled; Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."
She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant. I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent; Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace, "I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace." "Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und lif mit you, Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n I do!"
Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit me? He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay vere I be.' She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse; Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house; Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead. Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und bedshtead.
Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it. I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it. She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off; I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off. Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on, Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on. She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back.