'Never to weep with joy, like the first Jew Upon the border of the promised land'!
These two lines of Fet's remind me of others, also his.... Do you remember once, as we stood in the highroad, we saw in the distance a cloud of pink dust, blown up by the light breeze against the setting sun? 'In an eddying cloud,' you began, and we were all still at once to listen:
'In an eddying cloud Dust rises in the distance ... Rider or man on foot Is seen not in the dust. I see some one trotting On a gallant steed ... Friend of mine, friend far away, Think! oh, think of me!'
You ceased ... we all felt a shudder pass over us, as though the breath of love had flitted over our hearts, and each of us--I am sure of it--felt irresistibly drawn into the distance, the unknown distance, where the phantom of bliss rises and lures through the mist. And all the while, observe the strangeness; why, one wonders, should we have a yearning for the far away? Were we not in love with each other? Was not happiness 'so close, so possible'? As I asked you just now: why was it we did not touch the longed-for shore? Because falsehood walked hand in hand with us; because it poisoned our best feelings; because everything in us was artificial and strained; because we did not love each other at all, but were only trying to love, fancying we loved....
But enough, enough! why inflame one's wounds? Besides, it is all over and done with. What was good in our past moved me, and on that good I will take leave of you for a while. It's time to make an end of this long letter. I am going out for a breath here of the May air, in which spring is breaking through the dry fastness of winter with a sort of damp, keen warmth. Farewell.--Yours,
FROM MARYA ALEXANDROVNA TO ALEXEY PETROVITCH
I have received your letter, Alexey Petrovitch, and do you know what feeling t aroused in me?--indignation ... yes, indignation ... and I will explain to you at once why it aroused just that feeling in me. It's only a pity I'm not a great hand with my pen; I rarely write, and am not good at expressing my thoughts precisely and in few words. But you will, I hope, come to my aid. You must try, on your side, to understand me, if only to find out why I am indignant with you.