At that time I had not allowed myself to think of giving up convent life. Such a thought to me then would have been sacrilege, and the very greatest unfaithfulness to the Lord, to whom I believed myself espoused. These words which had been repeated in my ears, sounded loudly:
“Knowest thou not that the novitiate is a solemn espousal to our Lord Jesus Christ, and the consummation of the bridal tie with thy Lord will be expected of thee when thou shalt take the final vows?”
I could not forget that when I had been asked at the service of taking novice vows.
“What will become of you if you ever turn back, after taking up the golden plough?”
I had to make this reply: “I should then be unfit for the kingdom of God.”
Awful words were these, words which seemed like the announcement of our own eternal damnation. Father Ignatius now says, “Why did you do these penances? You were at liberty to refuse, and leave the convent.” But I would ask my readers to try and understand what _that_ implied, what terrible _mental torture_ (a form of torture more cruel and bitter than that imposed of old by the Inquisition) such a step involved. I am afraid no one _can_ realize it who has not herself passed through it. It is a maddening kind of torture, because one is strained up to such a pitch, and made to think of the awful sin against God and one’s own soul by going back; when for all eternity, by a little submission here, one would hereafter become the spotless bride of the Lamb, and gain a glorious crown to lay at His feet.
I am sure that never did any girl enter a convent, and remain in it for so many years, with a more sincere intention of serving and pleasing God through the will of her Superior than I did. I had been told many times that—
“God in His wisdom has appointed the reverend Mother, and declares that He will only accept your obedience through her, and through her alone.”
And yet she was the very one that made obedience impossible, by giving me rules that were beyond my power to fulfil; and often orders were given me, which I fulfilled, and yet would after all be reprimanded severely for daring to take upon myself to do them.
After suffering much at her hands for three years, I became convinced that she would never treat me better, and I made up my mind to leave the convent. When I asked her permission to leave, she always replied, “Yes, you can go. You may go at this moment if you like.” Yet she never did anything to further my departure. How could I go without clothes to put on? and I had nothing but my serge habit and cap, and was without money for my fare. Besides, it was many miles through a wild country to the nearest railway station, and I was ignorant of the way, and had been shut away from the world for sixteen years, from the early age of fifteen. The only journeys I had made were from convent to convent, and even then we had thick veils over our faces all the way, and were told not to put them up, though we were in close carriages. I wrote several times to my sister, asking her to send me some money to pay for my journey, and to tell me how to get to her, and to meet me. Over and over again I wrote to her, and received no reply. At last I discovered that my letters were not sent. Yet the world is told that nuns have _free_ intercourse with their friends outside. _Nothing of the kind!_