Where is my husband got to? Oh say, expiring light! A man ought really not to Stay out so every night.
I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him To join his tippling lot: That Bradshaw! I detest him;-- The good-for-nothing sot!
Would that this piece of paper, Which, ere thy flame expire, I light from thee, my taper, Could set that club on fire.
MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."
_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"
_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----"
_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----" _Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I shall feel safer!"
A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife.
PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"
[Illustration: NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE]
[Illustration: PLAYING DOWN TO HIM.--_Young couple (who expect the visit of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are clearing the room of every sign of luxury._
_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."
_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."]
[Illustration: _Fair Widow._ "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die I shall be cremated, as my husband was."
_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to--er--_cross out the C!_"]
_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"
_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!"