ROUGHING IT
by Mark Twain
1880
TO
CALVIN H. HIGBIE, Of California, an Honest Man, a Genial Comrade, and a Steadfast Friend. THIS BOOK IS INSCRIBED By the Author, In Memory of the Curious Time When We Two WERE MILLIONAIRES FOR TEN DAYS.
Contents
Prefatory
Chapter I
My Brother appointed Secretary of Nevada—I Envy His Prospective Adventures—Am Appointed Private Secretary Under Him—My Contentment Complete—Packed in One Hour—Dreams and Visions—On the Missouri River—A Bully Boat
Chapter II
Arrive at St. Joseph—Only Twenty-five Pounds Baggage Allowed—Farewell to Kid Gloves and Dress Coats—Armed to the Teeth—The "Allen"—A Cheerful Weapon—Persuaded to Buy a Mule—Schedule of Luxuries—We Leave the "States"—"Our Coach"—Mails for the Indians—Between a Wink and an Earthquake—A Modern Sphynx and How She Entertained Us—A Sociable Heifer
Chapter III
"The Thoroughbrace is Broke"—Mails Delivered Properly—Sleeping Under Difficulties—A Jackass Rabbit Meditating, and on Business—A Modern Gulliver—Sage-brush—Overcoats as an Article of Diet—Sad Fate of a Camel—Warning to Experimenters
Chapter IV
Making Our Bed—Assaults by the Unabridged—At a Station—Our Driver a Great and Shining Dignitary—Strange Place for a Frontyard—Accommodations—Double Portraits—An Heirloom—Our Worthy Landlord—"Fixings and Things"—An Exile—Slumgullion—A Well Furnished Table—The Landlord Astonished—Table Etiquette—Wild Mexican Mules—Stage-coaching and Railroading
Chapter V
New Acquaintances—The Cayote—A Dog's Experiences—A Disgusted Dog—The Relatives of the Cayote—Meals Taken Away from Home
Chapter VI
The Division Superintendent—The Conductor—The Driver—One Hundred and Fifty Miles' Drive Without Sleep—Teaching a Subordinate—Our Old Friend Jack and a Pilgrim—Ben Holliday Compared to Moses
Chapter VII
Overland City—Crossing the Platte—Bemis's Buffalo Hunt—Assault by a Buffalo—Bemis's Horse Goes Crazy—An Impromptu Circus—A New Departure—Bemis Finds Refuge in a Tree—Escapes Finally by a Wonderful Method
Chapter VIII
The Pony Express—Fifty Miles Without Stopping—"Here he Comes"—Alkali Water—Riding an Avalanche—Indian Massacre
Chapter IX
Among the Indians—An Unfair Advantage—Laying on our Arms—A Midnight Murder—Wrath of Outlaws—A Dangerous, yet Valuable Citizen
Chapter X
History of Slade—A Proposed Fist-fight—Encounter with Jules—Paradise of Outlaws—Slade as Superintendent—As Executioner—A Doomed Whisky Seller—A Prisoner—A Wife's Bravery—An Ancient Enemy Captured—Enjoying a Luxury—Hob-nobbing with Slade—Too Polite—A Happy Escape
Chapter XI
Slade in Montana—"On a Spree"—In Court—Attack on a Judge—Arrest by the Vigilantes—Turn out of the Miners—Execution of Slade—Lamentations of His Wife—Was Slade a Coward?
Chapter XII
A Mormon Emigrant Train—The Heart of the Rocky Mountains—Pure Saleratus—A Natural Ice-House—An Entire Inhabitant—In Sight of "Eternal Snow"—The South Pass—The Parting Streams—An Unreliable Letter Carrier—Meeting of Old Friends—A Spoiled Watermelon—Down the Mountain—A Scene of Desolation—Lost in the Dark—Unnecessary Advice—U.S. Troops and Indians—Sublime Spectacle—Another Delusion Dispelled—Among the Angels
Chapter XIII
Mormons and Gentiles—Exhilarating Drink, and its Effect on Bemis—Salt Lake City—A Great Contrast—A Mormon Vagrant—Talk with a Saint—A Visit to the "King"—A Happy Simile
Chapter XIV
Mormon Contractors—How Mr. Street Astonished Them—The Case Before Brigham Young, and How he Disposed of it—Polygamy Viewed from a New Position
Chapter XV
A Gentile Den—Polygamy Discussed—Favorite Wife and D. 4—Hennery for Retired Wives—Children Need Marking—Cost of a Gift to No. 6—A Penny-whistle Gift and its Effects—Fathering the Foundlings—It Resembled Him—The Family Bedstead
Chapter XVI
The Mormon Bible—Proofs of its Divinity—Plagiarism of its Authors—Story of Nephi—Wonderful Battle—Kilkenny Cats Outdone
Chapter XVII
Three Sides to all Questions—Everything "A Quarter"—Shriveled Up—Emigrants and White Shirts at a Discount—"Forty-Niners"—Above Par—Real Happiness
Chapter XVIII
Alkali Desert—Romance of Crossing Dispelled—Alkali Dust—Effect on the Mules—Universal Thanksgiving
Chapter XIX
The Digger Indians Compared with the Bushmen of Africa—Food, Life and Characteristics—Cowardly Attack on a Stage Coach—A Brave Driver—The Noble Red Man
Chapter XX
The Great American Desert—Forty Miles on Bones—Lakes Without Outlets—Greely's Remarkable Ride—Hank Monk, the Renowned Driver—Fatal Effects of "Corking" a Story—Bald-Headed Anecdote