“Yes,” said Dr. Jowett, but if the judge says, “‘You be hanged,’ you _are_ hanged.”
“I’m so glad you’ve come. We’re going to have a young married couple for dinner.”
“I pay as I go,” declared the pompous citizen.
“Not while I’m running these apartments,” declared the janitor. “You’ll pay as you move in.”
Among seven distinguished men who were to speak at the opening exercises of a new school was a professor well known for his lapses of memory. But his speech was clear that night, and as he seated himself his loving wife felt that he had fully earned the burst of applause that followed, and she clapped her little hands enthusiastically. Then her cheeks crimsoned.
“Did you see anything amusing about the close of my address, my dear?” asked the Professor as they started for home. “It seemed as if I heard sounds suggestive of merriment about me.”
“Well, dear,” said she, “of all the people who applauded your address, you clapped the loudest and longest.”
Teacher--“Don’t say ‘The Hague tribunal are,’ Willie; use is.”
Willie--“The Hague tribunal isbitrates national controversies.”
Sir Wilfrid Laurier was once on an electioneering tour in Ontario and, as the elections were bitterly contested, every effort was made to stir up race and religious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal sent this telegram to Sir Wilfrid: “Report in circulation in this country that your children have not been baptized. Telegraph denial.” To this the Premier replied: “Sorry to say report is correct. I have no children.”
The teacher of one of the rooms in a school in the suburbs of Cleveland had been training her pupils in anticipation of a visit from the school commissioner. At last he came, and the classes were called out to show their attainments.
The arithmetic class was the first called, and in order to make a good impression the teacher put the first question to Johnny Smith, the star pupil.
“Johnny, if coal is selling at $6 per ton, and you pay the coal dealer $24, how many tons of coal will he bring you?”
“Three,” was the prompt reply from Johnny.
The teacher, much embarrassed, said, “Why, Johnny, that isn’t right.”
“Oh, I know it ain’t, but they do it anyhow.”
A publisher who occupied a loft in New York directed one of his clerks to hang out a “Boy wanted” sign at the entrance. The card had been swaying in the breeze only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the publisher’s office with the sign under his arm.
