_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the house in the morning and when I come home at night.
_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you.
“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the family.”
“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’”
“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”
“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?”
_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone!
_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn.
Up in the tenth story of a brick building.
No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.
“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but cow-hide!”
“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?”
Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper.
“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?”
“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the other boys.”
_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”
_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?”
Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move?
I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly.
Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay.
A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head and tail on the same end.
_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away?
_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding.
_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house?
_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.
“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board; “will you mind it?”
“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you think I’m a nurse?”
“What did you get that bronze medal for?”
“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”
“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with cold.”