"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."
One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages.
"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September."
"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels when they were making you."
The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"
"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them carried into the corner drug store!"
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice.
One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:
"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time."
"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"
"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."
"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"
"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_.
Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk, Smother with a pillow any sneeze; Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back-- "Don't forget that you were one of these."
He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.
Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'"
He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant thought, blurted out, happily:
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on.
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform.
"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"