Very anxiously did he await the day of trial, and very carefully did he weigh in his own mind the various modes of treating the subject. Finding that the chief speaker on the other side was a man of prodigious eloquence, he determined that he would not have recourse to balderdash, but that he would manage the business in such a plain matter-of-fact style as that the frothy, sloppy, feathery, flowery sputtering of the antagonist counsel should not have an inch of foundation to rest upon. This arrangement, as we have mentioned, answered his purpose. And when the defendant’s counsel had made a long, vehement spoutification, all about nothing at all at all, the judge in summing up observed, that though a very _beautiful_ speech had been delivered by the defendant’s counsel, there did not seem to be any real defence set up against the action.
Now, in making this remark, the judge laid such a peculiar emphasis on the word _beautiful_, and at the same time gave such a schoolmaster-look to the gentleman who had spouted that schoolboy speech, that the orator himself looked absolutely sheepish, and he almost determined never to be eloquent again; but, as second thoughts are best, he retracted that determination, for he considered that if he were not eloquent he was nothing.
Wishing to be instructive as well as amusing, we cannot overlook the present opportunity of a digression in favor of eloquence. It is a great pity that our barristers cannot plead in Greek, for then Demosthenes might be very useful to them; and it would be, in all probability, quite as intelligible to the jury as much of that eloquence which is now spouted in English. To use Greek is quite out of the question, and therefore all they can do is to make their English as much like Greek to the jury as they possibly can. This they often do with wonderful success. Eloquence is in our days most grievously neglected, being almost solely confined to provincial newspapers, in which we may still enjoy the fine metaphorical language of the _olden_ time. It is in those choice repositories that we can even yet revel in that fine figure of speech called “_circumbendibus_;” and were it not for these and a few eloquent barristers, and divers aggrieved parishioners in divers little city parishes which become immortalized by vestry squabbles, we should have scarcely any eloquence at all. This is such a favorite topic with us that we dare not trust ourselves to give way to our feelings; we will therefore content ourselves with giving a valuable hint to eloquent barristers. We advise them, if they wish to keep their eloquence and their countenance too, never to look at the judge, or at the opposing counsel, or at any attorney, or at any one of the jury who has the least look of understanding, but to direct their eyes, if they must keep them open, to any one who looks prodigiously serious and has his mouth wide open.