“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the cow.”
“How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?”
“It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!”
My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I put it in my pocket and went a few steps further, and fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you hurt?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on your tintype.”
“The boss said I was too full of my business.”
_Biggs_--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
_Boggs_--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
_Boss_ (lecturing)--And remember, when a little boy disobeys me, then I use force.
_Percy_--“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?”
_Harold_--“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.”
“I want something striking for a wedding present.”
“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth floor.”
“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?”
“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.”
A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the money. One man said he’d give a hundred and another man said he’d give two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand.
“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara Falls to a quart.”
Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. He said that he heard her talk about beating the eggs, whipping the cream, stoning the raisins, mashing the potatoes and pounding the steak.
What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an Irishman?
When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he?
When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him for three or four days after.
The fellow in the next room to me last night made an awful lot of noise, his wooden leg pained him.
_Percy_--“Was it because your brother took his typewriter out to lunch that all the trouble came about?”
_Harold_--“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because his wife found it out.”
B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller a dollar outen m’wallet and he laid me out onto a slab and derned if he didn’t scrub me with a brick. Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and he said: “Scouring the country for money.”
I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat there for two weeks.