I am destitute of horses, baggage-wagons, tents, harness, saddles, bridles, holsters, spurs, and belts; camp equipage, such as cooking and eating utensils, blankets, knapsacks, intrenching-tools, axes, shovels, spades, mattocks, crowbars; have not a supply of ammunition; have not money sufficient to pay freight and travelling expenses; and left my family poorly supplied with common necessaries.[246]
In a letter to Brown of April 17th, Mr. Thayer proposed a name for Brown's prospective company, as follows:
... Will you allow me to suggest a name for your company? I should call them, "The Neighbors," from Luke tenth chapter: "Which thinkest thou was neighbor to him who fell among thieves."
What Brown's thoughts were when he read this friendly suggestion can not well be imagined. The association of the word "neighbors" with the phrase "falling among thieves" may have caused him to suspect that Thayer held the secret of his dishonor; and that his guilt, hypocrisy, and mendacity might be on the verge of exposure. At any rate the effect of the combination of these words must have sunk deep into his heart. They could not but call up afresh, and vividly, a mental vision of the scenes on the Pottawatomie, when he and his band of thieves fell among, and upon, their neighbors, at midnight, and murdered and robbed them.
Brown's trouble now lay in the fact that he had to leave the East and there was nothing which he could do in the West. The Free-State cause under the direction of Robinson, and his co-laborers: Goodin, Roberts, Holliday, Lane, Crawford, Brown, Deitzler, Parrott, Brooks, Dudley, Emery, Woodward, Learnard, Phillips, Conway, Wood, and many others, was progressing in an orderly and satisfactory manner toward a decisive victory at the polls.
Acknowledging the receipt of Mr. Stearns's suggestions that he should go to Kansas immediately, Brown wrote him on the 13th: "I leave for the West to-day." It will be observed that he put off no fire-works, nor indulged in any exhibition in heroics on the occasion of his going to his, pretended, field of achievement. To William Barnes, of Albany, he wrote April 3d:
I expect soon to return West; & to go back without even securing an outfit. I go with a _sad heart_, having failed to secure even the means of equipping; to say nothing of feeding men. I had when I returned, no more than I could peril; and could make no further sacrifice, except to go about in the attitude of a beggar: & that I have done, humiliating as it is.