I always put my money under the mattress at night.
You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car to-day.
“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where did you get them?”
Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t he?
When did your teeth first begin troubling you?
“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood last night.”
If I had not defended that man he would have gone to State’s prison for ten years.
“There’s a poor man out there that would give anything to see you.” “Who is it?” “A blind man.”
_Tourist_--“I suppose I can’t get a train for three hours?”
_Station Agent_--“O, yes; your train leaves in five minutes.”
_Tourist_--“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.”
“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, who had slipped and fallen on an icy pavement. “Going to get up!” was the blunt reply.
“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very young.”
“And you’ve been off your base ever since.”
“She must have changed since she married you.”
“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and charity to an old maid.”
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was lying at the point of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! Won’t even death stop that man’s lying?”
Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what would you do?
A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has often heard of the _fore_ quarters of the globe, but never heard any person say anything about the _hind_ quarters.
“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it stops, that’s no use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards without it?”
“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.”
“Played poker with him last night, when I got up to get a drink he looked at my hand.”
I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I came before the judge he said: “Young man, you’re arrested for picking the pocket of an old man.” I said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as they came in the crowd.”
_She_--Do you believe there are microbes in kisses?
_He_--I never believe anything without investigation.
“My wife was very sick the other night and I thought she would die. She moaned and groaned and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off her.”
“I put the covers back and then she recovered.”
“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind the counter. “What size shirt do you wear?”