And yet this waiter had a fund reserved Of pretty stout pugnacity and pride, And every time the boarder called him “fool,” Or “low-born rooster,” he would add it up To the preceding pile of expletives, And think it over. He did not forget A single word. Of all the abusatives There was not one which proved a fly-away.
At last the crisis came, when one fine day, For some imagined fault, the boarder said Unto the waiter, that unless he stirred A little quicker he would bung his eye, And take him by the legs _instanter_-ly And wipe the floor with him. But with that word He overdrew the account. That was the fly Which overset the camel, and the drop Which made the pail slop over. For the youth On that let out his Injun. All at once He turned both red and white, as fat and lean Are seen in a beefsteak before ’tis cooked, And blew his soul out in a fly-away.
“You misspelled copy of a gentleman With all the meaning lost!—if you dare call Me names again as you have often done, I’ll bung your pallid eyes. You’ve said too much, So now just dwindle down. I’ve always been Obedient and polite, and served you well, As you were never served by any one, And all you ever gave me was abuse, And all because you were a vulgar fool. Now stop your noise, or I will sling you out Of yonder window for a fly-away!”
The boarder rose as if in roaring wrath, The waiter jerked his linen jacket off And fairly danced about in gypsy style, Impatient for a fight. But then the guest As if with self-command restrained himself, And said to the assembled company, “There must be lines in all society To regulate our conduct. Lines, I say, Which separate us from the vulgar herd, With whom we may not fight. I draw the line At waiters.” Here he looked about the room To be applauded; but the only sound Which rose was that of a tremendous slap On his own face, and then a mighty roar Of laughter from the happy company, For all his valour was a fly-away.
So he sat down too terrified to speak; And then the waiter took a dripping jug Of ice-water and poured out every drop Upon his head, yea, water, ice, and all; And then that boarder burst in bitter tears, And blubbered like a boy, while all the room Rang with redoubled laughter. Then a guest Proposed a vote of thanks to him who had Put down a public nuisance, and the next Passed round a hat and took collection up To give the waiter as a small reward For punishing a coward. Then he rose, And since that hour has been a fly-away.