Drink till th’ experiment you make Of how much liquid fire ’twill take To make a drunkard burn like tinder, And change a nuisance to a cinder.
The devil, as Milton represented, Gunpowder, long ago invented; But genius always finds its level, And man, of course, has beaten the devil.
The wight, who alcohol found out, Surpass’d the fiend, beyond a doubt; He, therefore, merits more renown, And ought to wear a hotter crown.
We live on vegetable diet, And will not let a man be quiet, Unless the evidence is ample That he is copying our example.
Though brother Graham, it is said, Stuffs christians with unbolted bread, Our belly _timber_, quite as good, Is made of any kind of _wood_.[24]
You know the common farmer takes His white oak wood for fencing _stakes_, But Lady Caustic fits in style, Superior white oak _steaks_, to broil.
She’s famous, too, for _white oak cheese_, Harder than granite, ten degrees; So hard that we’re obliged to take it To some trip-hammer works to break it.
Good hemlock bark philosophized In soup, by epicures is prized, A paste of button-wood, quoth I, Is cap-a-pie to cap a pie.
A stick of bass-wood, being bevill’d By gastronomic art bedevill’d, Or served as Welchmen cook their cheese, A man of taste will always please.
From saw dust, bran and pebble stones, And _quantum suff._ of pounded bones, We form the most delicious dishes That e’er indulged the gourmand’s wishes.
When our great plans are brought to pass, Mankind _en masse_ may go to grass; And every rover, will moreover, Enjoy his lot like pig in clover.
We next crave liberty to mention Another wonderful invention; A sort of stenographic still, Alias a Patent Author’s mill.
We fill its hopper with a set Of letters of the alphabet, And turn out eulogies, orations, Or themes for July celebrations,--
News, both domestic and extraneous, Essays, and extracts miscellaneous, We manufacture by the means Of said superlative machines.
This last invention also reaches To making Congress members’ speeches; Would they adopt it, though we’ve said it, T’would cent per cent enhance their credit.
We hammer’d out a lawyer’s jaw mill, Which went by water like a saw-mill With so much clamor, fire and fury, It thunderstruck the judge and jury.