_Northern Croesus._ "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke Brown. The fact is, I've a _commission_ for you!"
_Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture)._ "All right--most happy--what is it to be?"
_Northern Croesus._ "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by this train--and I want to put her under your protection."
[_Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again._]
[Illustration: PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON
_Traveller._ "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of security about it I rather like." (_Yawns._) "Any chance of a smash to-day!?"
_Undersized Youth._ "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp! How much?"
_Clerk._ "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"]
_Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late)._ "Porter, when do you expect that train to come in?"
_Porter._ "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more sure 'tis to come in the next minute."]
[Illustration: "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"
OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED
The saloon is Patent swing Rattles can Efficient nurse The saloon fitted with sleeping cradles be obtained guards, to look is fitted refreshment can be secured at most of after the with amusing bar, replete by wire or the large babies, travel toys, to with all baby letter. stations. by all trains. beguile delicacies. the tedium of long journeys.]
_Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late)._ "Confound and D----!"
_Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it)._ "Oh, thank you, _so_ much!"]
_Old Lady._ "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down _that_ way to it."]
_Passenger (in a hurry)._ "Is this train punctual?"
_Porter._ "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"]
[Illustration: _Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost difficulty, succeeded in catching train)._ "Phew! Just saved it by t'skin o' my _teeth_!"]
_Impudent Boy (generally)._ "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (_To lady of commanding proportions in particular._) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"]
[Illustration: APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
