Now came a bolder and less mistakable allusion to his personal appearance:
“I should like Gladstone to see that, Jem; talk about a collar! the Grand Old Man’s nowhere—he’d better take to turndowns after this.”
“Yes,” replied the gentleman addressed; “I think this would settle him—is he liberal or tory, I wonder?”
“Tory, you’re sure—wotes for the Squoire, I’ll warrant. A small loaf and a big jail.”
Mr. Bumpkin turned his eyes first towards one speaker and then towards another without moving his head, as he thought:
“Danged if I doan’t bleeve thee means I.” But he wisely said nothing.
“I say,” said another, “I wonder if pigeon’s milk is good for the complexion.”
“No,” said Jem, “it makes your nose red, and makes the hair sprout out of the top of it.”
Here was a laugh all round, which made the Usher call out silence; and the Judge said he would have the Court cleared if order was not preserved. Then there was a loud shouting all over the Court for “Thomas Bumpkin!”
“Here I be!” said Bumpkin, amid more laughter—and especially of the wits around him. Then a great bustling and hustling, and pushing and struggling took place.
“Danged if that beant my case,” said Mr. Bumpkin; “but it ain’t my counsellor.”
“Make way for the plaintiff,” shouted the Usher; “stand on one side—don’t crowd up this passage. This way, sir, make haste; the Court’s waiting for you, why do you keep the Court waiting in this way?”
“I was just going to strike your case out,” said the Judge, “the public time can’t be wasted in this way.”
Bumpkin scrambled along through the crowd, and was hustled into the witness-box. The Judge put up his eye-glass, and looked at the plaintiff as though he was hardly fit to bring an action in a Superior Court. Up went the book into his hand. “Take the book in your right hand. Kiss the book; now attend and speak up—speak up so that those gentlemen may hear.”
“Why weren’t you here before?” asked the Judge.
“Didn’t you hear your learned counsel opening your case?”
“I didn’t know it wur my case,” said Bumpkin, amid roars of laughter.
“I don’t wonder at that,” said Mr. Ricochet, looking at the jury.
“And now, then,” said Mr. Silverspoon; for neither of his own counsel was able to be present.