Harry Tate and I--Together we found the order of “The Beautiful Swells”--The Birmingham spoof supper--A mouthwatering menu --The “Beautiful Swells” anthem--Cockroach soup--Property viands--A mysterious waiter--Ernie Lotinga’s little joke --The spoofers spoofed--A pigeon pie that flew--A surplus of farthings--Rehearsing for pantomime--My first rehearsal --I am “fired” out of the theatre--Pantomime in Hoxton-- The gallery boy’s irony--A cutting retort--I get married-- Courting under difficulties--The married chorus-girl and the lovesick manager--Supper for two in a private room--Hoaxing the police--A sham tragedy and its sequel--The fat policeman and the big lobster--Sold again 149
Bound for Cape Town--A pleasant voyage--Ships’ games--A contrast in voyages--“Cock-fighting” at sea--“Chalking the Pig’s Eye”--“Swinging the Monkey”--Marine cricket--A new kind of golf--Cycling at sea--Sweepstakes on the vessel’s run --Races on the ocean wave--Mock breach-of-promise trials-- By bullock waggon to Kimberley--I perform before Cecil Rhodes --Get shot in a street row--Contrast on my second visit-- The great strike riots in Johannesburg--Fire and dynamite-- A night of horror--A gay but expensive city--Dear drinks-- Performing in the back veldt--Eggs for throwing--At Pretoria --Kruger’s house--Where Winston Churchill swam the river-- A disappointing stream--My prize giant--A Jo’burg sensation --Buying a forty-shilling suit to measure--A disgusted tailor --Special railway travelling--My giant proves his agility-- In Colombo--Indian fakirs--Their conjuring skill overrated --The boy and rope trick--Two versions of a similar story-- The whole thing a fake--The evidence of H.H. the Maharajah of Jodhpur--I offer £100 to any native who can do it--No takers --The mango seed trick--Outwitting a fakir--“Let me plant the seed”--The camera in action--The Tree of Life--Cobra and mongoose fight 166
The social side of music-hall life--The Vaudeville Club--A telephone wheeze--The swanking “pro.” and his mythical salary --About “tops” and “bottoms”--Ring up “625 Chiswick”--“Big Fred” and Fred Lindrum--A queer billiard match--An unexpected _dénouement_--Roberts and the Australian billiard marker--I make of myself a human telescope--Growing to order--Willard the original “man who grew”--Puzzling a Scotland Yard “’tec” --My most wonderful fall--I make a “hit” in a double sense --A Wigan wheeze--The performer who got too much “bird”--A blood-thirsty barber--My worst insult 183