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A Little Demon
Going in to Lise, he found her half reclining in the invalid-chair, in which she had been wheeled when she was unable to walk. She did not move to meet him, but her sharp, keen eyes were simply riveted on his face. There was a feverish look in her eyes, her face was pale and yellow. Alyosha was amazed at the change that had taken place in her in three days. She was positively thinner. She did not hold out her hand to him. He touched the thin, long fingers which lay motionless on her dress, then he sat down facing her, without a word.
"I know you are in a hurry to get to the prison," Lise said
curtly, "and mamma's kept you there for hours; she's just been telling
you about me and Yulia."
"How do you know?" asked Alyosha.
"I've been listening. Why do you stare at me? I want to listen and
I do listen, there's no harm in that. I don't apologise."
"You are upset about something?"
"On the contrary, I am very happy. I've only just been
reflecting for the thirtieth time what a good thing it is I refused
you and shall not be your wife. You are not fit to be a husband. If
I were to marry you and give you a note to take to the man I loved
after you, you'd take it and be sure to give it to him and bring an
answer back, too. If you were forty, you would still go on taking my
love-letters for me."
She suddenly laughed.
"There is something spiteful and yet open-hearted about you," Alyosha smiled to her.
"The open-heartedness consists in my not being ashamed of myself
with you. What's more, I don't want to feel ashamed with you, just
with you. Alyosha, why is it I don't respect you? I am very fond of
you, but I don't respect you. If I respected you, I shouldn't talk
to you without shame, should I?"
"No."
"But do you believe that I am not ashamed with you?"
"No, I don't believe it."
Lise laughed nervously again; she spoke rapidly.
"I sent your brother, Dmitri Fyodorovitch, some sweets in
prison. Alyosha, you know, you are quite pretty! I shall love you
awfully for having so quickly allowed me not to love you."
"Why did you send for me to-day, Lise?"
"I wanted to tell you of a longing I have. I should like some
one to torture me, marry me and then torture me, deceive me and go
away. I don't want to be happy."
"You are in love with disorder?"
"Yes, I want disorder. I keep wanting to set fire to the house. I keep imagining how I'll creep up and set fire to the house on the sly; it must be on the sly. They'll try to put it out, but it'll go on burning. And I shall know and say nothing. Ah, what silliness! And how bored I am!"
She waved her hand with a look of repulsion.
"It's your luxurious life," said Alyosha, softly"
"Is it better, then, to be poor?"
"Yes, it is better."
"That's what your monk taught you. That's not true. Let me be rich
and all the rest poor, I'll eat sweets and drink cream and not give
any to anyone else. Ach, don't speak, don't say anything"; she shook
her hand at him, though Alyosha had not opened his mouth. "You've told
me all that before, I know it all by heart. It bores me. If I am
ever poor, I shall murder somebody, and even if I am rich, I may
murder someone, perhaps- why do nothing! But do you know, I should
like to reap, cut the rye? I'll marry you, and you shall become a
peasant, a real peasant; we'll keep a colt, shall we? Do you know
Kalganov?"
"Yes."
"He is always wandering about, dreaming. He says, 'Why live in
real life? It's better to dream. One can dream the most delightful
things, but real life is a bore.' But he'll be married soon for all
that; he's been making love to me already. Can you spin tops?"
"Yes."
"Well, he's just like a top: he wants to be wound up and set
spinning and then to be lashed, lashed, lashed with a whip. If I marry
him, I'll keep him spinning all his life. You are not ashamed to be
with me?"
"No."
"You are awfully cross, because I don't talk about holy things. I don't want to be holy. What will they do to one in the next world for the greatest sin? You must know all about that."
"God will censure you." Alyosha was watching her steadily.
"That's just what I should like. I would go up and they would
censure me, and I would burst out laughing in their faces. I should
dreadfully like to set fire to the house, Alyosha, to our house; you
still don't believe me?"