"Marguerite," I said, an hour or two later, "dost thou think I love myself?"
"My Damoiselle does not think herself a fool," quietly answered the old woman.
"No, of course not," said I; "I know I have brains. How can I help it? But dost thou think I love myself,--better than I love other people?"
"We all love either ourselves or the good God."
Marguerite shook her head. "Ha!--no. That would be serving two masters. And the good God Himself says no one can do that."
I did not like this much better. So, after I finished my beads, I kissed the crucifix, and I said,--"Sir God, show me whether I love myself." Because,--though I do not like it,--yet, perhaps, if I do, it is best to know it.
We reached Ascalon a week ago, making three short days' journey of it, so as not to over-fatigue the little ones. Those of us who have come are Guy and Lady Sybil, myself, Amaury and Eschine, and the little girls, Agnes and Héloïse. I brought Marguerite and Bertrade only to wait on me. Lady Isabel prefers to stay at Hebron, which is only one day's journey from the Holy City. She and Messire Homfroy quarrelled violently about it, for he wished to go to Acre, and wanted her to accompany him; but in the end, as usual, she had her own way, and he will go to Acre, and she to Hebron.
The night before we set forth, as I was passing Lady Judith's door, her low voice said--
"Helena, my child, wilt thou come in here? I want a word with thee."
So I went into her cell, which is perfectly plain, having no hangings of any sort, either to the walls or the bed, only a bénitier[#] of red pottery, and a bare wooden cross, affixed to the wall. She invited me to sit on her bed, and then she said--
"Helena, unless thou seest some very strong reason, do not speak to the Count touching the Count of Tripoli until we meet again."
"Well, I thought I should not," said I. "But, holy Mother, will you tell me why?"
"We may be mistaken," she answered. "And, if not, I am very doubtful whether it would not do more harm than good. After all, dear maiden, the shortest cut is round by Heaven. Whenever I feel doubtful how far it is wise to speak, I like to lay the matter before the Lord, and ask Him to speak for me, if He sees good. He will make no mistake, as I might: and He can tell secrets without doing harm, as probably I should. It is the safest way, Helena, and the surest."