RESTAURANT PROPRIETOR. "ANOTHER OF THESE NIGHT CLUBS! THEY'LL BE THE RUIN OF ME."]
_Nephew (at preparatory school, to departing uncle)._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, UNCLE. AWF'LY GOOD OF YOU TO COME OVER--AND, I SAY, I HOPE YOU BACKED OUTRAM FOR THE LINCOLNSHIRE?"
_Uncle._ "UNFORTUNATELY, MY BOY, I WASN'T ON IT."
_Nephew._ "YOU WEREN'T? WHY, WE WERE ALL ON IT HERE!"]
Whereas _Mr. Punch_ has observed to his deep grief and chagrin that political ill-feeling in Great Britain has increased, is increasing and ought to be diminished, be it enacted--
(1) That no morning, evening or weekly paper be allowed to print anything on its placard save one of these three phrases: "All the Winners," "Tips for To-day," or "Latest Football"; providing that nothing in this Act shall prevent _The Daily News and Leader_ from substituting "Latest Free Church News" for "Tips for To-day."
(2) That no newspaper be allowed to announce more than one political crisis per week under a penalty of £1,000 for each and every subsequent crisis announced.
(3) That Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR be appointed grand political censor, and that all descriptive expressions intended to be applied by people to their political opponents be submitted to him, to ensure that such phrases are properly saponaceous.
(4) That six prominent fire-brands in each Party be deported to Saint Helena, and that they be chosen by ballot in this wise--the Liberals will select the Tories, the Tories the Liberals, the O'Brienites the Nationalists, and the Nationalists the O'Brienites. The Labour Party, being specially qualified for the task, will select six of its own body for deportation; and nothing in this Act is to hinder Mr. WEDGWOOD from deporting himself if he thinks it needful.
(5) And whereas many highly respectable golfers of all shades of political opinion have been put off their game by political happenings at the week-end be it ordained that a gracious political truce reign from Thursday midnight to Tuesday midday, and that during that time, to be known as the Truce of _Mr. Punch_, no political crises, resignations, refusals of resignations, re-resignations or snap-divisions be allowed on any pretext whatever.
"Yesterday afternoon a Cardiff prisoner who had been arrested on a warrant escaped from the custody of a police officer. The man bolted without the slightest warning."