The next day I was myself again. Not relieved from the impression which had seized me when I first saw Mr. Thorold; but quietly able to bear it; in a sort raised above it. To do the moment's duty; to gather, and to give, every stray crumb of relief or pleasure that might be possible for either of us; better than that, to do the Lord's will and to bear it, were all I sought for. All at least, of which I was fairly conscious that I sought it; the heart has a way of carrying on underground trains of feeling and action of its own, and so did mine now. As I found afterwards. But I was perfectly able for all my work. When next I had an opportunity for private talk with Mr. Thorold, he asked me with a smile, if the resentment was all gone? I told him, "Oh, yes."
"It is not easy to say why, just in this instance."
"No. Well, Daisy, say the other thing. About the self-will."
"Are you apt to be self-willed?" he asked, tenderly.
"I do not know. I believe I did not use to think so. I am afraid it is very difficult to know oneself, Christian."
"_I_ think you are self-willed," he said, smiling.
"I think so. What is the present matter in hand, Daisy?"
I did not want to tell him. But I could not run away. And those bright eyes were going over my face and reading in it, I knew. I did not know what they read. I feared. He waited, smiling a little as he looked.
"I ought not to be self-willed, - about anything," - I said at last.
"No, I suppose not. What has got a grip of your heart then, Daisy?"
"I am unwilling to see you lying here," I said. It was said with great force upon myself, under the stress of necessity.
"And unwilling that I should get any but one sort of discharge," - he added.
"I fear nothing. But a soldier, Daisy, - a soldier ought to be ready for orders; and he must not choose. He does not know where the service will call for him. He knows his Captain does know."
I stood still, slowly fanning Mr. Thorold; my self-control could go no further than to keep, me outwardly quiet.
"_You_ used to be a soldier," he said gently, after a pause. "You are yet. Not ready for orders, Daisy?"
"Christian - you know, -" I stammered forth.
"I know, my beloved. And there is another that knows. He knows all. Can't you leave the matter to him?"