_Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British Illuminati, at their Annual Meeting, held in Dublin, August, 1835._
DR. HOAXUM read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams into substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies, whose prospectuses he laid upon the table.
Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir John North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto volume and a cheesemonger's shop; and solved a curious question as to the decimal proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the rule of allegation, would produce a product of 10,000_l._
Professor Von Hammer described his newly-discovered process for breaking stones by an algebraic fraction.
Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He defended their _caws_ with great _effect_, and proved that there is not a _grain_ of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from _Grub_ Street malice.
The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its auto-biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly broken into, being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time alone. Some extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly interesting. Its thoughts on the "silent system" of prison discipline, though written _in the dark_, strictly agreed with those of our most _enlightened_ political economists.
Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydro-_gin_, which greatly interested those of the association who were members of Temperance Societies.
Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society, on the construction of _frog-stools_.
Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly articulated the words "_Repale! Repale!_" to the great delight of many of the audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on another, for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already say, "My Lords and Gentlemen;" and he doubted not, by the next meeting of Parliament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening speech.