I wonder why a fellow’s mother tries To make you think that every man that’s wise Steers clear of all the girls? I wonder why A fellow’s mother thinks they’re mean and sly And hardly fit to look you in the eyes? Ma thinks the operator here has planned To hook the first poor chap that she can land; And one night, when I got to tellin’ ma How sweet she was—I mean the operator— The more I tried to praise her up I saw The more it kind of seemed to make ma hate ’er.
Ma says they’re all a schemin’ lot, who fix Themselves up nice to fool the Toms and Dicks And Harrys that don’t know enough to run: You’d think, to hear her talk, that all they done Was try to catch the boys by foxy tricks. I don’t see why ma runs them down that way; She used to be a girl herself, one day. Mike says that when a woman’s married, though, She never wants the rest that ain’t been took To ever stand a chance or have a show To ever get a nibble at the hook.
THE other day we had excitement here; The news-stand caught afire, and I thought I’d be heroic Johnny-on-the-spot; I grabbed the operator, yellin’: “Dear, I’m here to save your life, so never fear.” But just about that time I felt a swat, And there was lots of things that I fergot While Morton dragged me with him by the ear.
They’d doused the blaze before it got a start, And I’d fergot our fire-drill, you see, That’s what made Morton come and jump on me— He nearly tore my head and ear apart— That Alexander’s too dumnation smart. They’re all a-kiddin’ me fer what I done, And she looks on and seems to think it’s fun Confound it! that’s What nearly breaks my heart.
I’M sorry fer the poor old boy we’ve got In seven-sixty-six; he’s nearly due To ask St. Peter to please let him through. His wife’s a beaut and young, and mebby what She’s doin’ right along is hope he’ll not Be yanked away and planted in the sod With her left here to fasten to his wad— If that’s your guess, though, take another shot.
She won’t allow him to get out of bed, But once when I went up because she’d rung The first thing that I knew he up and flung The quilts and things across the room and said She’d hid his shirt and pants—that’s on the dead— And then, before she’d caught her breath, he sprung Up like a wild man and got in among Her trunks and looked up pitiful and pled.