ACT I
Scene I
{ A splendid Drawing Room in the House of Mrs. Tiffany. Open folding door C. F., discovering a Conservatory. On either side glass windows down to the ground. Doors on R. and L. U. E. Mirror, couches, ottomans, a table with albums, &c., beside it an arm chair. Millinette R. dusting furniture, &c., Zeke L. in a dashing livery, scarlet coat, &c.)
Dere's a coat to take de eyes ob all Broadway! Ah! Missy, it am de fixins dat make de natural born gemman. A libery for ever! Dere's a pair ob insuppressibles to 'stonish de colored population.
Oh, oui, Monsieur Zeke (very politely). I not comprend one word he say! (aside)
I tell 'ee what, Missy, I'm 'stordinary glad to find dis a bery 'spectabul like situation! Now as you've made de acquaintance ob dis here family, and dere you've had a supernumerary advantage ob me--seeing dat I only receibed my appointment dis morning. What I wants to know is your publicated, opinion, privately expressed, ob de domestic circle.
You mean vat espèce, vat kind of personnes are Monsieur and Madame Tiffany? Ah! Monsieur is not de same ting as Madame,--not at all.
Well, I s'pose he aint altogether.
Monsieur is man of business,--Madame is lady of fashion. Monsieur make de money,--Madame spend it. Monsieur nobody at all,--Madame everybody altogether. Ah! Monsieur Zeke, de money is all dat is necessaire in country to make one lady of fashion. Oh! it is quite oder ting in la belle France!
A bery lucifer explanation. Well, now we've disposed ob de heads ob de family, who come next?
First, dere is Mademoiselle Seraphina Tiffany. Mademoiselle is not at all one proper personne. Mademoiselle Seraphina is one coquette. Dat is not de mode in la belle France; de ladies, dere, never learn la coquetrie until dey do get one husband.
I tell 'ee what, Missy, I disreprobate dat proceeding altogeder!
Vait! I have not tell you all la famille yet. Dere is Ma'mselle Prudence--Madame's sister, one very bizarre personne. Den dere is Ma'mselle Gertrude, but she not anybody at all; she only teach Mademoiselle Seraphina la musique.
Well now, Missy, what's your own special defunctions?
I not understand, Monsieur Zeke.
Den I'll amplify. What's de nature ob your exclusive services?
Ah, oui! je comprend. I am Madame's femme de chambre--her lady's maid, Monsieur Zeke. I teach Madame les modes de Paris, and Madame set de fashion for all New York. You see, Monsieur Zeke, dat it is me, moi-meme, dat do lead de fashion for all de American beau monde!
Yah! yah! yah! I hab de idea by de heel. Well now, p'raps you can 'lustrify my officials?
Vat you will have to do? Oh! much tings, much tings. You vait on de table,--you tend de door,--you clean de boots,--you run de errands,--you drive de carriage,--you rub de horses,--you take care of de flowers, --you carry de water,--you help cook de dinner,--you wash de dishes,--and den you always remember to do everyting I tell you to!
Wheugh, am dat all?
All I can tink of now. To-day is Madame's day of reception, and all her grand friends do make her one petite visit. You mind run fast ven de bell do ring.
Run? If it wasn't for dese superfluminous trimmings, I, tell 'ee what, Missy, I'd run--
(outside)
Millinette!
Here comes Madame! You better go, Monsieur Zeke.
Look ahea, Massa Zeke, doesn't dis open rich! (aside).
(Exit Zeke, L)
(Enter Mrs. Tiffany R., dressed in the most extravagant height of fashion)
Is everything in order, Millinette? Ah! very elegant, very elegant indeed! There is a jenny-says-quoi look about this furniture,--an air of fashion and gentility perfectly bewitching. Is there not, Millinette?
Oh, oui, Madame!
But where is Miss Seraphina? It is twelve o'clock; our visitors will be pouring in, and she has not made her appearance. But I hear that nothing is more fashionable than to keep people waiting.--None but vulgar persons pay any attention to punctuality. Is it not so, Millinette?
Quite comme il faut.--Great personnes always do make little personnes wait, Madame.
This mode of receiving visitors only upon one specified day of the week is a most convenient custom! It saves the trouble of keeping the house continually in order and of being always dressed. I flatter myself that I was the first to introduce it amongst the New York ee-light. You are quite sure that it is strictly a Parisian mode, Millinette?
Oh, oui, Madame; entirely mode de Paris.
This girl is worth her weight in gold (aside). Millinette, how do you say arm-chair in French?
Fauteuil, Madame.