"Mat, I want another _porter_." "What _ales_ the one you have, Dick?" "He's dead." "Gone to his _bier_, eh?" "Hang you, Dick, your wit's always a broad-_cider_."
"Jack, Jack!" cried a sailor, on board a ship at sea, lately, to one of his companions.--"Hello!" replied Jack; "what is it?"--"Your brother's overboard."--"Overboard?"--"Yes."--"Blow the lubber! he has got my sea-boots and monkey-jacket on!"
Judge Rooke, in going the western circuit, had a great stone thrown at his head; but, from the circumstance of his stooping very much, it passed over him. "You see," said he to his friends, "that had I been an upright judge, I might have been killed."
"Kitty, where's the frying-pan?"--"Johnny's got it, carting mud and oyster shells up the alley, with the cat for a horse."--"The dear little fellow! what a genius he'll yet make; but go and get it. We're going to have company, and must fry some fish for dinner."
Lighting an editor's fire with rejected contributions--_Burns' Justice._
Lady F---- had arrived to so extreme a degree of sensibility, that, seeing a man go by with a mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried out to her companion, "Do turn aside, it distresses me above measure to see that poor unfortunate wheelbarrow with one leg."
"La, me!" sighed Mrs. Muggins, "here have I been sufferin' the begamies of death for three mortal weeks. Fust, I was seized with a painful phrenology in the left hampshire of the brain, which was exceeded by a stoppage of the left ventilator of the heart. This gave me an inflammation in the borax, and now I'm sick with the chloroform morbus. There is no blessin' like that of health, particularly when you're sick."
"Jack," said a commercial traveller to a country joskin, "which is the way to Harlingford?" "How did you know my name was Jack?" inquired the countryman. "Why, I guessed it," replied the bagman. "Then guess your way to Harlingford," says Jack, "for I shan't tell you."
"John, what is the past of see?" "_Seen_, sir." "No, it is _saw_--recollect that." "Yes, sir. Then if a _sea_-fish swims by me, it becomes a _saw_-fish when it is _past_, and can't be _seen_." "You may go home, John."
Judge Peters, a Philadelphian and a punster, having observed to another judge on the bench that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head, "How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a _turnup_ nose, and a _sage_ look."