"But this humdrum life, girls, is another affair, with its washing and ironing and cleaning days, when children expect boxed ears, and visitors picked-up dinners. All the 'romance' there is in it, you can put under a three-cent piece!
"St. Paul says they who marry do well enough, but they who _don't_ marry do WELL-ER! Sensible man that. Nevertheless, had _I_ flourished in those times, I would have undertaken to change his sentiments; for those old-fashioned gentlemen were worth running after.
"One half the women marry for fear they shall be old maids. Now I'd like to know why an old maid is to be snubbed, any more than an old bachelor? Old bachelors receive 'the mitten,' occasionally, and old maids have been known to _outlive several 'offers.'_ They are both useful in their way--particularly old bachelors!
"Now _I_ intend to be an old maid; and I shall found a mutual accommodation society, and admit old bachelors honorary members. They shall wait on _us_ evenings, and we'll hem their pocket hand-ker_chers_ and mend their gloves. No _boys under thirty_ to be admitted. Irreproachable dickeys, immaculate shirt-bosoms and faultless boots _indispensable_. Gentlemen always to sit on the _opposite_ side of the room--no refreshments but _ices_! _Instant expulsion_ the consequence of the first attempt at love-making! No allusion to be made to Moore or Byron! The little '_bye-laws_' of the society _not_ to be published! Moonlight evenings, the sisters are not at home! the moon being considered, from time immemorial, an unprincipled magnetiser!"
"A new affectation is to speak of the soul as _feminine_. For example, the London papers announce the third edition of 'The Soul, HER sorrows, and HER aspirations.'"
I always _thought_ John Bull was a goose; now I _know_ it! _A woman with a soul!_ I guess so! (made out of an old _spare-rib_!) What on earth does _she_ want of a _soul_? First thing you know, she'd be eating of the 'tree of knowledge,' and we had enough of that in _Eve's_ day; I tell you there are none but _masculine souls_.
"It is a matter of astonishment and thanksgiving to me that _men_ condescend to notice _us_ at all. I trust all the sisters feel their inferiority, and know how to keep their place, as well as _I_ do! It's next door to martyrdom when they speak to _me_, I'm in such a 'fluster' for fear I shall make some wretched blunder. It is as much as ever I dare to LOOK at them, but when it comes to TALKING, I'm entirely nonplussed! If by good luck I _catch_ an idea, I chase it round till I lose it; and if I were to swallow a whole dictionary, I couldn't clothe that idea in words! _Oh_, dear! wish I _had_ a 'soul,' just to see how it _would seem_! It would be so refreshing to have a _new sensation_!"