"_Honesty._"--Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences.
Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer hav a perfekt rite tew believe them, but i don't.
Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz.
It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer Webster both disagree about the right way now.
Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the next man.
Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts--thare may be excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that "excepshuns prove the rule."
The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost.
When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, "_Whare art thou Adam_" and afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, "_I, waz afraid_" iz az far back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobel art.
I shouldn't be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again during mi day.
I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity?
This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum!
Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.
It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood.
Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do.
When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.
Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.
If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.
Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.
Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.