"Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare breed; I have some very like them in my own yard."
"That's not unlikely, Sir," replied the farmer; "they are not the _only_ ducks I have had stolen lately!"
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a stout fellow,
"If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?"
"Jump into the scales," was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!"
A COMPANY of performers announced in their bills the opening of a theatre at Montrose, with the Farce of _The Devil to Pay_, to be followed with the Comedy of _The West Indian_. Adverse winds, however, prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time for representation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore found necessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, which was thus delivered by the town-crier:
"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackers havena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin the night; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be _the Deevil to pay in the West Indies_."
A GENTLEMAN had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, when nine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt his drum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would be punished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mention his loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped it into the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleaded ignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the young gentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observed something shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt down in the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found the punch-ladle, so wind me up." "Stop," roared out the lad, "stop, _now your hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick_."
A GENTLEMAN having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant who carried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down the fish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot." "Heyday! young man," exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teach you better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliver such a message." The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, with the fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said, "Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptance of this turbot." "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all the consequence of his situation. "Here, John! (_ringing_,) take this honest lad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat and drink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown."