It has long been accepted that the cosmos determine our personalities, relationships, and even our fate. Unlike our condensed matter colleagues - who regularly use quantum mechanics to determine the healing properties of crystals - astrology techniques have been unchanged since the 19th century. In this paper, we discuss how astrophysical messengers beyond starlight can be used to predict the future and excuse an $\mathcal{ O}(1)$ fraction of our negative personality traits.
Categories: astro-ph.HE astro-ph.IM hep-ph