MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband because she loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her first protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out.
AT a dinner in Springfield, Mass., recently, a lady sent the following volunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ of society."
A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, "When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_." Without hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not _imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?"
AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you a living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship."
A COUNTRY booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. _Wiseacre_!"
MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company. "And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?" "I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye ony vacancies in your corps?_"