Soon after that, he wrote the following letter to his mother:
DEAR MOTHER--In my last letter I had already spoken to you of Ludmilla Fédorovitch. I can now give you information about her which will surely interest you.
She is not bad-looking, but that is all. She has fine hair; her complexion is not pretty. We are about the same age, she is a little over 23. She was born at Orenburg; then she lived for a long time with her family at Kiahta (Siberia), after which she was abroad for nearly two years and finally settled in Moscow. Ludmilla, or Lussia, was, as you remember, a very zealous intermediary between me and the B. girls to whom I was so attached.
She loved me already then, though she said to herself that I had too much affection for the B. children ever to return her feelings.
And she was perfectly right, as long as my affection for those children lasted.
But, when it ceased, I naturally took more notice of Lussia's sympathy for me, and I am not surprised that I have acquired much affection for her.
She has faults which must seem graver to me than to you, but what is to be done?
Fortunately she herself sees them. The greatest of her faults is a too great placidity, a lack of vivacity and initiative; she adapts herself too easily to her surroundings. But, being placid, she is also firm; she can bear a great deal whilst preserving complete self-control. She is extremely kind and good-natured; I have not yet found a vulgar trait in her character.
I have told you of her faults, you must therefore not think me partial if I find qualities in her.
The fact is--and I cannot forget it--that always, when I had any kind of trouble, she soothed me by her attitude towards me.
Even though I have dark previsions for the future (as you know, I am not given to seeing life through rose-coloured glasses), I cannot help thinking that by living with Lussia I should become calmer, at least for a fairly long time.
I should cease to suffer from the misanthropy which has invaded me lately.
I intend to have no children--it is an embryologist who is speaking. On the contrary, I want to preserve the utmost liberty. Nevertheless, one must conform with certain legal conventions, which will probably take place in January.