What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo.
When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of hand by refusing you.
Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it is seldom let alone.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down in the mouth.
What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry).
Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the pasty must be made of dough (doe).
Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done, cannot be helped.
Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well.
Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible.
What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y).
Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur' (detonator).
What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash man ate a rasher.
What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree.
How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing.
What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots from the eye, the other from the shoulder.
What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur (spectator).
What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye? One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.
Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they are warranted to wash--and keep color.
Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but never wanted.
Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are accustomed to bare arms.
What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the other heads.
What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg whipped to go froth.