Here's to the happiest hours of my life-- Spent in the arms of another man's wife: My mother!
Happy he With such a mother! faith in womankind Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall, He shall not blind his soul with clay.
Women know The way to rear up children (to be just); They know a simple, merry, tender knack Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes, And stringing pretty words that make no sense, And kissing full sense into empty words; Which things are corals to cut life upon, Although such trifles.
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.
"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"
SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"
HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"
WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"
A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me $5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."
To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your proposition interests me."
An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied, "All three, take no chances."
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash around a bend in the road.
"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thing had a colt?"
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a great splash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a man who was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know," said the swimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that bally old ranch of mine?"
"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern."