SCENE: A room in the Governors house.
Scene I. (The GOVERNOR, the CHARITY COMMISSIONER, the DIRECTOR OF SCHOOLS, the JUDGE, the POLICE SUPERINTENDENT, the DOCTOR, and two Police Officers.)
GOVERNOR. I have called you together, gentlemen, to receive a very unpleasant piece of news: there's an Inspector-General coming.
JUDGE and CHARITY COMMISSIONER. What, a Revizor?
GOVERNOR. Yes, an Inspector from Petersburg, incognito. With secret instructions, too.
JUDGE. Well, I declare!
CHARITY COMMISSIONER. We've escaped hitherto, so now it's our turn!
LUKA LUKICH (the School Director). Good Lord! with secret instructions!
GOVERNOR. I had a sort of presentiment of
it: all last night I dreamt about a pair of monstrous
rats. Upon my word, I never saw the
like of 'em—so black and enormous. They came, and snuffed about, and vanished... Here's a letter which I will read you from Andrei Ivanovich Chmikov. You know him, Artemi Philippovich (to the CHARITY COMMISSIONER). This is what he says: "My dear friend, my comrade and benefactor... (He mutters over quickly the first few sentences.) ...and to let you know" — Ah ! that's it — "I hasten to let you know, amongst other things, that an official has been sent with instructions to inspect the whole province, and your district especially. (Lifts his finger significantly.) That he is coming I know from very reliable sources, but he pretends to be a private person. So, as you have your little faults, you know, like everybody else (you're a sensible man, and don't let your little perquisites slip through your fingers) . . ." (Stopping.) H'm, that's after a manner of speaking. ..." I advise you to take precautions, for he may come any hour if he has not already done so, and is staying somewhere incognito. . . . Yesterday . . ." Oh, then come family matters. " My cousin, Anna Kirillovna, paid us a visit, with her husband ; Ivan Kirillovich has got very fat, and is always playing the fiddle . . ." etcetera, etcetera. Now, here's a pretty business !
JUDGE. Yes, extraordinary, simply extraordinary. There must be some reason for it.
LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich, why is it ? Why should we have an Inspector?
GOVERNOR (sighing). Oh, it's fate, I suppose ! (Sighs again.) Till now, thank goodness, they've pried into other towns; but now our time has come.
JUDGE. It's my opinion, Anton Antonovich, that it's a deep political move, and it means—let me see that—Russia . . . yes, that's it ... Russia wants to make war, and the Government has surreptitiously sent an official to see if there's any disaffection anywhere.
GOVERNOR. Ah, you've got it! you know a
thing or two ! The idea of treason in an inland
town ! As if it lay on the frontier ! Why, from
here you may gallop for three years before you
reach a foreign country.
JUDGE. No, I'll tell you how it is—you don't
understand—the Government looks very closely
into matters ; it may be far away, yet it observes everything—.
GOVERNOR (cutting him short). It may or it
may not—anyhow, gentlemen, I have warned
you. I have made some arrangements on my
own behalf, and I advise you to do the same. You especially, Artemi Philoppovich ! (to the CHARITY COMMISSIONER.) Without doubt, this chinovnik will want first of all to inspect your hospital ; and so you had better see that everything is in order ; that the night-caps are clean, and that the sick persons don't go about as they usually do—looking like blacksmiths.
CHARITY COMMISSIONER. Oh, that's all
right. They shall have clean night-caps, if
you like.
GOVERNOR. And you might write up over
each bed, in Latin or some other lingo—that's
your business, Christian Ivanovich
(to the DOCTOR)—the name of each complaint, when the
patient got ill, the day of the week and month
. . . and I don't like your invalids smoking such
strong tobacco ; it makes you choke when you
come in. It would be better too if there weren't
so many of them ; otherwise it will be at once
ascribed to bad supervision or unskilful doctoring.
CHARITY COMMISSIONER. Oh, Christian
Ivanovich and I have settled all about the
doctoring ; the nearer we get to nature the
better : we don't go in for costly medicines. A man is a simple affair—if he dies, he dies ; if he gets well, why, then he gets well. And it wouldn't be easy for the sick people and Christian to understand one another ; he doesn't know a word of Russian. (The DOCTOR grunts unintelligibly.)