Non (ita me di ament) quicquam referre putavi, Vtrumne os an culum olfacerem Aemilio. Nilo mundius hoc, niloque immundior ille, Verum etiam culus mundior et melior: Nam sine dentibus est: dentes os sesquipedales, 5 Gingivas vero ploxeni habet veteris, Praeterea rictum qualem diffissus in aestu Meientis mulae cunnus habere solet. Hic futuit multas et se facit esse venustum, Et non pistrino traditur atque asino? 10 Quem siqua attingit, non illam posse putemus Aegroti culum lingere carnificis?
Never (so love me the Gods!) deemed I 'twas preference matter Or Æmilius' mouth choose I to smell or his ---- Nothing is this more clean, uncleaner nothing that other, Yet I ajudge ---- cleaner and nicer to be; For while this one lacks teeth, that one has cubit-long tushes, 5 Set in their battered gums favouring a muddy old box, Not to say aught of gape like wide-cleft gap of a she-mule Whenas in summer-heat wont peradventure to stale. Yet has he many a motte and holds himself to be handsome-- Why wi' the baker's ass is he not bound to the mill? 10 Him if a damsel kiss we fain must think she be ready With her fair lips ----
Nay (may the Gods thus love me) have I thought there to be aught of choice whether I might smell thy mouth or thy buttocks, O Aemilius. Nothing could the one be cleaner, nothing the other more filthy; nay in truth thy backside is the cleaner and better,--for it is toothless. Thy mouth hath teeth full half a yard in length, gums of a verity like to an old waggon-box, behind which its gape is such as hath the vulva of a she-mule cleft apart by the summer's heat, always a-staling. This object swives girls enow, and fancies himself a handsome fellow, and is not condemned to the mill as an ass? Whatso girl would touch thee, we think her capable of licking the breech of a leprous hangman.
In te, si in quemquam, dici pote, putide Victi, Id quod verbosis dicitur et fatuis. Ista cum lingua, si usus veniat tibi, possis Culos et crepidas lingere carpatinas. Si nos omnino vis omnes perdere, Victi, 5 Hiscas: omnino quod cupis efficies.
Rightly of thee may be said, an of any, (thou stinkingest Victius!) Whatso wont we to say touching the praters and prigs. Thou wi' that tongue o' thine own, if granted occasion availest Brogues of the cowherds to kiss, also their ---- Wouldst thou undo us all with a thorough undoing (O Victius!) 5 Open thy gape:--thereby all shall be wholly undone.