_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_ it to the pigs!"]
(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)
"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]
_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_). What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.
_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voilà'?"
_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,' or something like that."
_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and thinking I've been swearing in French!"]
The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.]
[Illustration: GEOLOGY.--_Scientific Pedestrian._ "Do you find any fossils here?"
_Excavator._ "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but muck and 'ard work!"]
[Illustration: MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--_Parker._ "Beg pardon, my lady, but the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."
_Her Ladyship_ (_astonished_). "But it's in their programme!"
_Parker._ "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still water, and _then they'll try_!"]
[Illustration: THE COMFORTER.--"I say, old man, I've just been down in the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever struck!"]
[Illustration: A MOOT POINT.--_Mrs. Brown_ (_on her honeymoon_). "Oh, aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of going to one of those stupid foreign places?"
[_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._
[Illustration: BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--_Traveller_ (_whose train is due_). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make me miss my train!"
_Jarvey._ "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station no more!"]