Massachusetts must abound in Flats. Its Legislature is annually agitated from the sands of Cape Cod to the hills of Berkshire over the question. It is said to be wisdom to set a rogue to catch a rogue. Is it equally so to set a flat to catch one?
PUNCHINELLO has for some time past carefully considered the subject of our national tariff of imposts, (_that is to say, he happened to see, in a Tribune, the other day, that lucifer matches were now to be stamped separately, and not by the box, as heretofore_) and he has come to the conclusion, after duly weighing in his mind all the arguments for and against the present system of taxation, (_that is to say, he made up his mind the minute he read the article_,) that what the present tariff needs, is a more thorough application and a better classification; or, what the technologists call Taxonomy, which term is suggested to him by a work on the subject which he has been recently studying. (_That is to say, he looked in the dictionary to find out what Taxidermy meant, and seeing Taxonomy there, snapped it up for a sort of collateral pun_.) As an illustration of what our impost legislators (or imposters) ought to be, let us take the Taxidermist. He is one who takes from an animal every thing but his skin and bones, and stuffs him up afterward with all sorts of nonsense. Now, our National Taxidermists ought to take a lesson from their original. Many of the good people of the United States have much more left them than their skin and bones. Why is not all that taken? The condition of the ordinary stuffed animal of the shops is strikingly significant of what should be expected of loyal communities. (_That is to say, communities which vote a certain ticket which need not be named here_.) It is often said that there are things which flesh and blood will not bear. Now, a thorough system of Taxidermy remedies all this. A stuffed 'possum, for instance, having no flesh or blood, will bear any thing. When the people of this country are thoroughly cleaned out, they will be just as docile. Among the things which PUNCHINELLO would recommend as fit subjects of taxation, is a man's expenses. They have not been taxed yet. If he pays for his income, why not for his outgoes? The immense sums that are annually expended in this country for this, that, and the other thing ought certainly to yield a revenue to the government. (_That is to say, there ought to be a new army of collectors and assessors appointed. P. knows lots of good men out of office_.) And then there's a man's time. Why not tax that? Nearly every man spends a lot of time, and he ought to pay for it. As it would be our tax, it could not be a very minute tax, although it is only the second tax which we have suggested. (_That is to say--- something pun-ny_.) And besides these things, there's energy. We often hear of a man's energies being taxed; but, so far as the matter is apparent to the naked eye, it is difficult to see whose energies are taxed for the good of the government at the present day. This subject should certainly be investigated. (_That is to say, a committee of Congressmen should be appointed, with power to send for persons, papers, and extra compensation_.) Politics, too. Every man has his politics, (_that is to say, every man except Bennett_,) and they ought to be taxed, if for no other reason than the great impetus the measure would give to the erection of fences throughout the land. And letters, too. If every one sent by the mail should yield one cent to the Treasury, how the currency would be inflated in that locality! (_That is to say, in the locality to which the collectors would abscond_.) But it is impossible, with the limited time at his disposal, for PUNCHINELLO to enter into a full examination and elucidation of this subject. (_That is to say, he can't think of any more illustrations just now, and the printer wouldn't stand any more, if he could_.) But it must be admitted that the great task of opening up the country, of which we hear so much, will never be complete until the Washington skinners and stuffers get us all into the prepared specimen condition. (_That is to say, when the people are all willing to_ "_dry up_.")