"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"
"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"
"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."
"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"
"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."
There once was a pious young priest, Who lived almost wholly on yeast; "For," he said, "it is plain We must all rise again, And I want to get started, at least."
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?"
SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée."
H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."
The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.
"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.
"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."
MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love a girl like that?"
JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5,000 with her."
The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do."
"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."