[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_"
_Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"]
_Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more _Chippendale_ than ever!"]
_Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"
_Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an' we'll get it off zummow!"]
[Illustration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"
_Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where do travellers generally go?"
_Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"
_Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is----"
_Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"]
Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?
WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.
[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."
_Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_ mister?"]
TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of 'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent point de Suisse."_
SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short, sharp grunts._
_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in its cabin!
WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh! Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_). Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).